What do you see when someone posts their selfie on Instagram or another social media outlet? Do you see their amazing self or do you see through the half smile deep down into their core?
On August 7, of this year my son’s was getting ready for his first day of first grade, and as we were getting ready to walk out the door he turned to me and said, “Mama, you look beautiful in your glasses.” Little does he know how self conscious I have felt about myself for wearing glasses, I have worn them since I was 3. I never felt pretty enough in my glasses. I do know that others thought I was pretty in my glasses, but that doesn’t matter if you don’t feel it. Over the years and through finding the right style and frames for my face I have actually become to love my glasses. Most of the time when I am wearing them you will find my hair down and a little bit of make up on, because that is how I feel the prettiest. When Jace said that statement to me, I was able to take a step back and pause for a moment, and really think about how I am beautiful and pretty and worthy enough.
I took this picture after an appointment I had that morning. I felt pretty confident, the only thing I was hoping not to show was the pain in my eyes. I don’t think many can really see the pain behind those eyes, that have been crying for months. The pain that people around me have inflicted on me, by their words, by their actions, by them not really hearing between the lines. I have always been pretty good at shutting the outside world out, the only person who can see right through the bullshit is my Mother, and trust me she calls me out on it every single time. Even when she is home in England 6,000 plus miles away from me, it’s a mother thing. Those words my son said to me rocked me to my core. He made me realize that I am worthy of being truly, openly, honestly loved by those who are truly there for me and willing to stand alone with me and not care what others are saying. It’s a hard place to be for a friend, standing there ignoring all others and just being with that friend in their time of need. I have done it for others in the past, and never thought I was worthy of someone doing it for me.
I am now venturing on a new venture with my friend and my sisters who are there standing behind me, and let me tell you there aren’t many. I am learning that I am stronger than I think, yeah I cry a lot still, but crying is my way to release the pain, and with each tear the pain gets less. And trust me, I can cry, my husband always makes a joke when I am crying that I am training for the Gold Olympic medal in crying. I am venturing back to building, growing, and loving my relationship with God, which is something I had lost a long time ago. I am sitting back and listening to him and trying my ever lovin hardest to give everything up to him, which for this control freak isn’t easy. I am working on not asking those barrel of monkey questions, that my dear youth Pastor Tim told us to not do. I am here learning and working on walking right next to my savior through this very dark time in my life. I am also learning that it isn’t as dark as I think it is, I just need a new perspective.
Why am I telling you all this? Because I know that sometimes you need to know that you are NOT alone in this world, you are NOT the only one going through losing friends and gaining perspective. I see you, I see your hurt, I see you trying to keep it together for your kids, husband, and everyone else who you think you need to. Listen, stop and listen to God, because when you do my friend, you will hear him, you will feel him, he will surround you with the most warm and loving arms in the world that you will know, with out a shadow of a doubt, you are loved. Forget those women who are no longer loyal to you. Right now they need others to love them, because they have not yet felt the love of our Father. Pray for them, so that they can find that love with our Father so they can stop chasing the love of others. Will you still cry and mourn those lost friendships, YES. That’s ok, God knows you need to mourn those friendships, but don’t stay to long in that mourning phase, you need to stop and look up, because right there God will show you who you have to lean on. Those couple of women are my strength, and you have them too. They show me everyday that there are good things happening all around me when I don’t feel like there is. They show me and prove to me that I am strong and more resilient than I think.
Trust me love, you got this. I am still in my healing phase and working through a whole mess of stuff, but I see my God appointed friends, the ones who are there for me with out saying a word. I hope my words can help you start to heal and know that you are not alone, there are others going through the exact same thing as you are. You will be stronger for this, you will be more amazing because of everything, you just gotta have faith!!!